So today was a bit bad, I didn’t get any sleep last night and man my diet has been utter rubbish this last week.

I’ve been trying to make my smoothies balanced but my dietary constraints mean that the experimentation can be rather nauseating.

One of my friends is pregnant and since hers is a high risk pregnancy I’m terribly worried about her. I’m sure that I will love my little niece or nephew when it arrives but right now I feel very conflicted. I also have a new appreciation for how over protective my dad was. I would dearly love to find her a gastroenterologist that cares about her wellbeing.

The Trinidadian health care system is terrifying. Even if you can afford private health care it’s like playing Russian roulette. I have gone through so many doctors in the course of my illness and many of them couldn’t be bothered to actually pay attention to my symptoms. Instead they opted to go for the simplest solution even when it didn’t work. The gastroenterologists in the public hospital seem to be going the same route and at the rate she’s wasting away I’m frantic to do something.

She recently applied for disability and I hope she gets through. I wonder if there’s anyway that I can apply. I still hope that someday I won’t be disabled and I know that prospective employers won’t want to take a risk on me with such a long period of inactivity.

Tomorrow it’s back to logging my meals, symptoms and medicine. For now, I’m going to try and come up with a meal plan that I can stomach. For some reason I always manage to include something that lands me in the bathroom, or just curled up in a ball crying or trying to breathe the pain away.

On days like that I fall into melancholia. The worst thing about being chronically ill, is the feeling of being useless, of being a burden to the ones you love. I had a talk with my hubby about this once and I often remember it when I feel this way. He said that while it might be a burden, it’s one that he chooses to bear because he loves me. This makes me both happy and sad because I want to be able to do the same for him if need be.

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