The high end of low.

I spent the last month or so sleeping and as you would expect my muscles atrophied something fierce. I didn’t realize how badly off I was until I went to NACCTT’s monthly meeting last Saturday. The last time I was this sore I’d been doing couch25k and HIIT training which is ridiculous because all I did was walk around and sit down.

As for why I was sleeping, well lets just say that the side effects of my medication are hitting hard. Especially Glucophage. I’ve been getting most of the symptoms associated with Diabetes even with the medication. Confusion, fatigue, hypoglycaemia, headaches, muscle aches and nausea are my constant companions.

I have decided that I’m not afraid of dying after giving it some thought. To be honest I’ve been near death so much that it would be a relief. No more pain, no more depression and no more disappointing myself and others. Now don’t mistake that as a suicidal thought, it’s merely an observation. I am afraid of my Insulin Resistance becoming full blown Diabetes though. I’ve watched enough of my family die from it. It’s a truly miserable disease.

My own efforts are being frustrated by my other medical issues. My body is in such a state that my husband is perturbed. He says he doesn’t know if he should be more worried about the sleeping or the weird things happening with my muscles.

To be honest, I’m at a pretty low point right now. I don’t seem to be capable of positive self talk right now. Most things require too much effort and I hate myself for not being able to do simple things like get out of bed without falling down. I figure this is a remnant of my training as a child. My parents wouldn’t let me rest even if I had gastroenteritis or influenza. It was always work, work, work. I could rest when I collapsed, anything less was faking. I realise how unhealthy that was. It’s making it very hard for me now. I am a pale version of my younger self. My body is weak, my mind clouded and I spend my days cooped up in my room. I also eat a lot of rubbish because I’ve run out of patience with the trial and error process involved in narrowing down my food choices.

I thought that seeing a nutritionist would help but I’ve been to 2 separate RD’s and I’m not seeing much of an improvement. I don’t think it’s their fault though. I’m burnt out. Too many failures I think.

The one bright spot is that the nutritionists haven’t told me anything that I wasn’t already aware of. With 2 exceptions. That I could use 3/4 c. of coconut water as a fruit serving and that intermittent fasting is useful for controlling insulin levels.

I know what my real problem is now though. It’s coming up with menu plans. I know what to eat but I get confused when I try to put it together. That in turn frustrates me into a migraine that’s worsened by the insulin spikes. It’s a pretty vicious cycle. Add that to the trial and error process and side effects and it’s a wonder that I still have hair.

I’ve decided that I’ll try taking things one day at a time. I’ve been ill for over a decade, you’d think I’d be accustomed to my body’s limitations by now. Instead I act like I’m still more or less healthy. I hold myself up to an ideal that I can never achieve. It took me years to get that fit and competent in my interests. I guess I just don’t like the feeling of wasted effort. Hell, I just finished my high school math text book a 4th time and the information is gone already. I wish my health would just go in one direction already. Then maybe I could get something done or I’d get closure.

At this point, closure would be welcome.

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