Ruminations

Starting over.

There was a time when I used to update this blog regularly. Following my intention for it to both serve as a retrospective and as a way to keep the people in my life updated.

Over the years, I found myself sinking into depression to the extent that I became apathetic. I’d grown tired of all my efforts amounting to naught because of my broken body.

When I got hospitalized for sepsis back in 2017, the senior doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist. Now, my experience with doctors in that field is terrible. To the point where I find them terrifying. When I mentioned this, he had the psychiatrist come see me on the ward. He turned out to be nice enough, I wasn’t too scared but I wasn’t at ease.
Being around him was a novel experience. A few sessions in and I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I couldn’t tolerate the side effects of the antidepressants. Nor the drugs that I’d gotten prescribed for fibromyalgia. So he forwarded me to a therapist to help with pain and stress management. Now she was a lovely lady and I was very happy with her. Treatment went well until she had a family member fall ill and then COVID-19 happened.

I ended up giving up on taking most of my usuusual medication to control the pain and other conditions. Aside from Tramacet for the cluster headaches and Metformin & Dianne 35 for the PCOS.

Christmas last year I found myself having a chat with darling about giving up treatment. I have so many medical issues that it‘s overwhelming. After spending tens of thousands of dollars, my body is much worse and it all seems so futile. Especially when you look at the ever increasing list of diagnoses I’ve gotten over the years.

I used to think that knowing what was wrong would be a great thing since it would mean I could get better. Now I know how naive I was. Aside from the GIST they found doin CT scans of my torso when I had sepsis. Knowing what was wrong hasn’t given me any peace of mind. If anything, its made my mental state worse.

Aside from scheduling a biopsy and tumor removal sometime this year I won’t be bothering with treatment. I don’t know if that’s a good idea or not, but honestly, I can’t bring myself to care right now.

Happy New Year y’all.

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