Thoughtstreams

3.5.2021

I forgot to post yesterday because I’d gotten carried away with baking and cooking. No exercise was had that day. And I walked around like I had a leprechaun on my back. I managed my meditation session though, so yay me!

Today was another painful day. Not enough pain that I could bring myself to take painkillers but too much pain to get out of bed and do anything. Honestly, I don’t know how many days like this I can tolerate. Doing basic things shouldn’t make existing painful. But here we are anyway.

There’s this feeling I get sometimes that I really don’t like. It’s a state of being where I don’t think I feel too bad. But I have to restrict myself from doing things because I know that the minute I start moving around the pain is going to overwhelm me. It’s similar to how I felt when I had sepsis. I didn’t feel that bad but I can’t leave the hsopital if I’m not on Norfloxacin. And so long as I keep taking it I don’t feel like anything is wrong with me. As soon as I run out though, within a week max I’m back in the ER. Really bloody annoying.

I really wanna make some whole wheat vanilla muffins but the pain I’d have to go through to cream the butter and sugar without a stand mixer is really throwing me off. I am definitely making cheesy scones. That always puts a smile on my face.

And that right there is probably the reason I’m getting fat. Too many things are linked to food for me. I need to find healthier ways to reward myself for accomplishing things.

I managed to to a core workout today but I couldn’t handle the Sun Salutation the Smart Coach recommended. Ah well, maybe another day. Today’s mediation was about learning how to get in touch with your emotions at a basic level. And my therapist is right. There a gulf a mile wide between my emotions and me. Yesterday’s meditation was a Zen Journey where I was supposed to imagine I was floating in the water of a beach at sunset. I’m not very good at that one. Lack of imagination probably. I was able to imagine some bits by dredging up some old memories. I’m not sure if that’s what you were supposed to do 🤔

31 calories of pain more like.

I was planning to try drinking a small amount of wine daily for the IBS and other health benefits. But, although the wine tasted fine. I really can’t manage to drink 5 ounces of the stuff. Maybe I can work my way into it. I also started eating yoghurt. So if the wine doesn’t take there’s always that right?

Tomorrow is a rest day. So I was thinking of doing some baking and cooking meals for a day or two. I keep feeling a compulsion to hop on the elliptical for some cardio. I’m trying my best to hold back because I feel like that might push me over my threshold and I want to work out for at least a month before I take a week off for recovery this time. My normal cycle is 3 weeks of consistent working out and then the rest of the year I’m recovering from it. Hopefully, this time will be different since I’m trying to listen to my body more rather than just pushing myself to finish a programme.

Here’s to hoping it works this time.

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