In which I justify my foul mood.

God, I’m in a mood this morning. My country is going insane. I wish we had a giant Cheeto as a president too.

I can’t figure out which is worse:

  • Kid that got his elbow shattered by a bully in school.
  • Child bride nonsense still ongoing.
  • Pedophile being allowed to return to the general population even though he was already caught molesting a child.
  • Man that killed the woman and her two children by slamming into their parked car is being let go even though there more than ample evidence to convict.
  • And last but certainly not least. We have to look out for human traffickers. That are blatantly snatching people in broad daylight.

I’ll say this though, I won’t be surprised if the citizens start taking matters into their own hands.

Today has been quite awful. Last night I went to bed with terrible pains around my eyes and nose. This morning I awoke to more of the same, this time with intense nausea and hypotension. 

Worse than that however, was the intense pain radiating from the trigger points on my hips. As they rotate in the socket I’m mewling unconsciously. I suppose I can no longer avoid the Tramacet at this point.

I had a cup ramen so I’d have something in my stomach before taking the Tramacet and passed right out.

Woke up an hour later because the delivery man called and had my first cup of bulletproof coffee. Surprising, this did help somewhat. The hypotension and low blood sugar issues seemed to melt away leaving only the Tramacet induced lethargy and the dulled pain.

It’s got quite a unique flavour. I used this recipe and found the vanilla essence to be overwhelming. A few drops of stevia made it more palatable. I’ll switch up the flavours tomorrow and see if I have similar results.

Before I drank the coffee I was quite scared. I was seriously considering calling an ambulance. I feel calmer now so I’m going back to bed.

With luck when next I awaken, I’ll have had significant relief from this new hell.

xo

January retrospective

It seems like there’s a tendency with my fibromyalgia to worsen during the month of December. That’s been the case for the last 3 years or so. I had hoped to have avoided that fate last year but it reared its ugly head 3 days before New Years.

I have never experienced pain that intense before. So much that all I could do was whimper, scream and cry. Luckily, I didn’t start this year with most of my limbs damaged. I also learned that fibromyalgia is somewhat degenerative. You’d think I’d have noticed on my own but nope. I hadn’t really considered that possibility, since most of my energy was focused on finding was to cope with the pain.

New Year’s Eve found me in the ER at the St. Augustine Private Hospital since I had spent the 3 days prior screaming my head off. Here I underwent a new batch of blood tests and x-rays trying to determine if the pain was due to getting injured. (I have dissociative episodes so I don’t always know if I’ve injured myself). The x-rays were fine. The blood tests came back with elevated white blood cells. And the final result was that the fibromyalgia had worsened.

January was quite depressing for me because I missed the entire months worth of classes due to the amount of muscle relaxers that I was on. I’m not so far behind that I can’t catch up on my own but I worry about the side effects of the higher dosage of Cymbalta. It’s nothing that I wasn’t expecting but I hadn’t realised that the brain fog would be quite this bad. It’s to the point where it literally hurts to think.

As per usual we’re always looking into possible solutions and Tempurpedic beds came up. I was able to try out all the variations in the showroom located at Aripita Avenue. To my suprise the beds provided a ridiculous level of relief. For the few minutes I took to try them out I had no pain. There was a sense of my body feeling as if it’s weight had been lifted off my muscles and bones. They didn’t hurt my soft tissues at all unlike my current bed.

Now I find myself impatient because knowing there’s a solution and not being able to obtain it immediately is intensely frustrating. I’m trying my best to not add unnecessary pressure to my hubby so we won’t end up messing up our finances. The beds are quite expensive after all.

I’m writing this while waiting for the Tramacet to kick in so if there’s any gibberish, I apologize.

xo

Rambling about labels.

I used to identify with the labels I thought would define me, making it easier to communicate or so I thought. Now I’m older I understand that if I take on a label, I’m choosing to associate myself with all the terrible things (as well as the good)  being perpetuated under that banner.

Nowadays the only label I accept is humanitarian. I care about the betterment of those around me and it really doesn’t get more complicated that that. 

I don’t care about political parties that change their tune as soon as they’re elected. Nor do I care to identify by accident of birth or allegiance to one gender. Or religious affiliation.
If I see a minority being attacked I’ll try my best to defend them but I won’t hide the atrocities they commit because it’s to hard to believe that suffering doesn’t automatically ennoble a person.

If I see someone passed out I’ll at least administer first aid or call an ambulance.

I am not unique. I am just human. 

Mixed news this morning at the dentist’s. The bruxism has gotten to the point where I can’t sleep without my mouth guard. However, as that’s all I have to do I consider it a win. The nerves are still damaged but the dentist is fairly certain that I won’t need a root canal since I’m not in that much pain any more. I can chew food again, oh happy day!

Is this my new normal?

My health has been getting worse since the middle of last year. Christmas was difficult, I got my first sprain on Christmas eve. Unfortunately, the strain became chronic and there was a snowball effect. Ending with all my limbs being either strained or partially dislocated before New Years.

It’s never the same issue unfortunately. Some of my doctors have had more success than others. The last problem had to do with muscle/nerves. Which just added to the list of tests and surgeries that need doing. Being in and out of the hospital means that scheduling any of these things far in advance is a waste of time. I’m terrified of making the wrong choice.

One of my friends asked me what my new normal looks like so I’ll address that here. If I want to leave the house I must have a first aid kit on me at all times. Granted, it’s getting bigger as time goes by. These days my kit looks like this:

2016_03_15_08_06_21_ProShot[1].jpg

It’s hard to know when something will go wrong so I plan for as much as I can. Since there’s a chance that this might help someone in a similar position here’s the break down. I’ve got a unilateral ankle stabilizer for the random sprains and spasms. Tramacet for the damage that the spasms leave behind. Lyrica keeps the spasms at bay but it does nothing for the pain. Dolobene gel stops my muscles from developing clots because they’re always tightening. 12 hour Gravol for the constant nausea that the IBS causes and re-hydration salts in case the IBS flares. Brulidine cream helps when my finger tips tear thanks to carpal tunnel. The eyepatch helps with my migraines but not so much for the cluster headaches unfortunately. The inhalers help me when my throat closes up. And allergy meds because you never know what’s in the food available and bees so much goddamned bees!

I still need another ankle stabilizer since both feet have a tendency to sprain at the same time. I’ll need a shoulder stabilizer at some point since I have chronic partial dislocations after getting hit by a car a few years ago.

After I see the neurologist and get the muscle and nerve tests done I should be much closer to normalcy.

Fear and loathing.

Since I’ve moved to my new place I’ve had two bad experiences with men. One just happened: a homeless guy grabbed my hand and bit me then proceeded to chase me all the way to my house.

And another happened a week ago. My leg had popped out the joint and the person who stopped to help me turned out to be a pervert. Luckily nothing bad happened just a few unpleasant memories and of course more guilt.

I’m currently waiting on my hubby to come home so he can carry me to the hospital to make sure I wasn’t infected with anything. It didn’t bleed but it burns a lot so one can assume he broke my skin. I seriously doubt I’ll be able to escape that guy if he catches me a second time. I dislocated my shoulder as I yanked my hand away. That bugger was fucking strong.

I’m pretty upset right now because I never used to be scared all the time when I was training. I knew what I was capable of then and I knew when to run away. Now, I have no idea if I can defend myself because my body never listens.

I’m supposed I managed to outrun him without my legs popping out of the joint. I only wish I had the energy to run straight to the police station. They would have had to take me seriously if the crazy guy followed me all the way there.

I thought I had come a long way but it seems I was wrong. I’m cowering in my bedroom terrified and having flashbacks. It sucks but my mind is my greatest enemy when it comes to dealing effectively with these sorts of people.

I can only hope that homeless guy isn’t actively marking me.