Thoughtstreams

14.5.2021

It’s been pretty rough this past week or so. My muscles tightened up so much I had to take a dose of Tramacet everyday to keep my shoulders from sublaxing. So I had to stay in bed for the duration. Luckily I feel much better today. My shoulder sockets are in a bit of pain and my spine burns so I’m not sure if I should go back to yoga. Maybe I’ll just go on the elliptical for a few minutes a day.

It still kinda hurts to type. I’m a little depressed since I can’t draw or write either. We’re under full lockdown too. So I’ve been cooking and doing some minor chores. I think my expectations for life are so low now that I don’t hold out much hope for a career. If I can be an accomplished housewife I’d be happy enough at this point.

Thoughtstreams

5.5.2021

Today was darling’s birthday. Didn’t do anything too special. Got some Chinese take out. Had some red wine and cheese cake. Luckily, he was on his last off day. So we got to have a nice lazy day together.

Meditation didn’t go so well today. The practice was about expanding beyond yourself but the muscles running along my shoulder blades down the sides of my spinal column started pulling so badly I was twitching and gritting my teeth just so I could finish. But now my muscles are burning like hell. Even the muscles in my biceps got strained. So darling had to run and get a dose of Tramacet for me. And as I’m waiting for it to start working my muscles are tightening even more. Sometimes, living in this body is a psychological horror movie.

I noticed things weren’t right when I woke up this morning. As I got out of bed and tried moving around with normal posture, my muscles started tightening and the neuropathy was also flaring up at the bits bounding the muscles that were contracting. So I gave up doing anything hoping it would go away. I don’t know if what’s happening right now is a better outcome than I would have had if I’d gone along with my plans for today. The only thing that got struck off the list was washing the dishes, making a simple dinner and baking some bread. Things really went south when I got to the bread. But I think it’s the dishes that really did me in. Because I use the food processor to handle all the strenuous bits of the bread making process. Whereas washing dishes is always excruciating on account of how low the counters are.

Thankfully, I didn’t have any yoga scheduled for today. Because I’d have really been depressed if I’d missed that. I just hope it stops with the Tramacet because otherwise I’ll probably have to go back on the Lyrica and Cymbalta combo to handle the mini seizures and stop the subluxations. And I really don’t want to because the side effects were so awful. But on the other hand, my body doesn’t try to strangle and break itself. So I guess I’ll have to suck it up and see how I can mitigate the damage.

Hopefully, it won’t come to that.

Thoughtstreams

4.5.2021

Today was wonderful. It was the right amount of rain, the temperature was perfect for cuddling up in bed with a book and a cup of tea. I didn’t do much. My shoulders are finally starting to settle back into the sockets. So tomorrow I might be able to draw a bit.

I’d originally wanted to do some baking and cooking. But my body was saying that would be a bad idea. I’m glad I listened. I feel so much better today. I really am my own worst enemy when it comes to recovery. I feel like I’m being lazy when I’m sick because that’s what my parents would always say. No matter how badly I was injured or how ill I happened to be. So it’s really difficult to just sit back and heal.

I’m trying to do better though. Hopefully my mindfulness practice helps me with that. I cut it really close with meditation today. It totally slipped my mind until I settled down to record my thoughts about today. 😅

I don’t feel particularly sleepy tonight. It seems like it may be another sleepless night. Oh dear.

One thing I’ve noticed during my recovery, is that as my sprains and spasms settle down/heal the neuropathy quickly settles in. Tonight I can feel the tingling and numbness crawling along my shoulder blades, the side of my spinal column and around my eyes and nose. It’s quite an unsettling feeling. I suspect that it might be more common the more I force my body to move/exercise.

I’m optimistic that it may be a good sign. I’ll just relay what I’ve experienced to the doctor when that time comes.

Thoughtstreams

3.5.2021

I forgot to post yesterday because I’d gotten carried away with baking and cooking. No exercise was had that day. And I walked around like I had a leprechaun on my back. I managed my meditation session though, so yay me!

Today was another painful day. Not enough pain that I could bring myself to take painkillers but too much pain to get out of bed and do anything. Honestly, I don’t know how many days like this I can tolerate. Doing basic things shouldn’t make existing painful. But here we are anyway.

There’s this feeling I get sometimes that I really don’t like. It’s a state of being where I don’t think I feel too bad. But I have to restrict myself from doing things because I know that the minute I start moving around the pain is going to overwhelm me. It’s similar to how I felt when I had sepsis. I didn’t feel that bad but I can’t leave the hsopital if I’m not on Norfloxacin. And so long as I keep taking it I don’t feel like anything is wrong with me. As soon as I run out though, within a week max I’m back in the ER. Really bloody annoying.

I really wanna make some whole wheat vanilla muffins but the pain I’d have to go through to cream the butter and sugar without a stand mixer is really throwing me off. I am definitely making cheesy scones. That always puts a smile on my face.

And that right there is probably the reason I’m getting fat. Too many things are linked to food for me. I need to find healthier ways to reward myself for accomplishing things.

I managed to to a core workout today but I couldn’t handle the Sun Salutation the Smart Coach recommended. Ah well, maybe another day. Today’s mediation was about learning how to get in touch with your emotions at a basic level. And my therapist is right. There a gulf a mile wide between my emotions and me. Yesterday’s meditation was a Zen Journey where I was supposed to imagine I was floating in the water of a beach at sunset. I’m not very good at that one. Lack of imagination probably. I was able to imagine some bits by dredging up some old memories. I’m not sure if that’s what you were supposed to do 🤔

31 calories of pain more like.

I was planning to try drinking a small amount of wine daily for the IBS and other health benefits. But, although the wine tasted fine. I really can’t manage to drink 5 ounces of the stuff. Maybe I can work my way into it. I also started eating yoghurt. So if the wine doesn’t take there’s always that right?

Tomorrow is a rest day. So I was thinking of doing some baking and cooking meals for a day or two. I keep feeling a compulsion to hop on the elliptical for some cardio. I’m trying my best to hold back because I feel like that might push me over my threshold and I want to work out for at least a month before I take a week off for recovery this time. My normal cycle is 3 weeks of consistent working out and then the rest of the year I’m recovering from it. Hopefully, this time will be different since I’m trying to listen to my body more rather than just pushing myself to finish a programme.

Here’s to hoping it works this time.

Thoughtstreams

1.5.2021

Nothing went as planned today. I didn’t get any studying done. But I did manage to do a bunch of chores and cook lunch for tomorrow.

I was in a ridiculous amount of pain when I woke up this morning. So my day actually started at lunch time when I woke up after the Advil wore off. I had planned to study anyway. But, by time I finished cleaning the kitchen, doing chores and cooking. I was in an unbearable amount of pain. I almost gave up on doing the yoga altogether because my left shoulder was wobbling around the joint.

Luckily I managed to talk myself into doing it around 10 pm.

Go me!

Alas, I gave up on doing the extra routine I’d added mostly because I didn’t have a yoga block. But partially because I didn’t think I could do it.

I flooded the bathroom by accident because I didn’t tighten the inlet for the bidet properly after cleaning it.

Kill me now…ugh.

I asked darling to sort it out. Lord knows I’m in too much pain to not take a hammer to it out of frustration if it keeps happening.

I feel like I could have gotten four servings out of that stewed salmon I made for lunch. But fuck it, I already packed it. 😤

I don’t know why but I get a lot of pressure building up in my head and behind my eyes when I do these yoga sessions. Now sure if I should worry about the or not. I’m just gonna attribute it to being a fatty for now.

I’m going to try to sleep before 1 am and see if I can get some quality rest. So hopefully tomorrow will be a less painful day.

Thoughtstreams

30.4.2021

Today wasn’t as productive as I thought it would be. Started off the day with a godawful headache because I didn’t get any rest last night. My sleep hygiene is bad. So I ended up falling asleep until lunch time. That pretty much killed off the time I had set aside for studying. I wasn’t as upset as I thought. Maybe the meditation is helping with my irritability when plans go awry.

On the other hand, I did quite a few chores and managed to make some pelau. It’s still quite painful to move around because my muscles are very tight. I’m thankful that the mini seizures seem to have stopped so hopefully I can get some more time to workout. I want to work my way up to at least meeting the recommended 150 minutes per week. For now it’s just gonna be yoga, but I want to work in some steady state cardio on the elliptical as well.

I grew progressively worse as the day went on. By 5pm I had to retreat to the bedroom so I could isolate myself from my triggers and take some Tramacet and Gravol. Luckily, I took the medication in time so I didn’t end up vomiting for the rest of the night.

I managed to complete my yoga and meditation sessions for today. My right shoulder is screaming now so I’m skipping the drawing practice today to give it a rest.

Ended up putting a little too much salt in the pelau. Ah well. Now I’m exhausted and sore. I just wanna lay on the floor and hug the tiles. I’m oddly relaxed even though I’m in so much pain. It’s quite a novel feeling.

Current mood

It seems like I may get some rest tonight by virtue of the medication. So hopefully tomorrow I’ll be able to do more lessons from Draw a Box.

Thoughtstreams

29.4.2021

I’m pretty happy today. I started doing the Draw A Box lessons. Meditated twice, had a walk and did some yoga.

Took a while for the Smart Coach to find a routine I could do because I discovered I can’t do this position. And you’d be surprised how often it comes up in your typical yoga routine.

It makes me wanna die

My leg muscles are too tight. It was shocking. That said. I still got today’s activities done.

I also realized that something is wrong with my cervical thoracic spine. It’s terribly painful to sit upright. To the point where prolonging sitting makes my muscles and fascia burn. I might get that checked out eventually if the yoga doesn’t help at all. It could just be because I spend so much time in bed.

I also broke out that wellness journal I bought back in 2019 and started filling out my diet and exercise plans. I’m thinking I’d just do my own thing this time. Instead of trying to force myself to follow someone else’s programme.

Earlier today they announced the country was back under full lockdown. So I have to start cooking. I’m hoping that I can cook and continue with yoga at least. It might wipe out the plans I had for adding steady state cardio on the elliptical. Ah well. Hopefully, this pandemic can be solved soon. Before the casualties get higher.

Thoughtstreams

28.4.2021

Decided to go to the salon today. What with the new semi-lock down I figured I may as well go get a trim before they close the shops as well.

Ended up with a touch of purple

Choosing a colour was a bit annoying because the first choice of a gradient using pink, lilac and silver didn’t take well. The pink ended up orange, the silver barely made an appearance and the lilac peeked through in random spots. So we hid it with purple and silver and it came out pretty cute.

I’ve always loved playing with hair colours. I find that it gives me a huge mood boost. This helps me keep up with whatever I’ve been trying to motivate myself to do. I can’t wait to see the way it fades out.

Continuing with the Smart Coach, I did some meditation because today was counted as a rest day. I feel pretty good. Considering that it felt like my muscles were peeling apart last night when I finished the first routine. I ended up adding another routine after reconfiguring the smart coach to use simpler workouts. I couldn’t just leave it at one unfinished workout.

I also added a beginner meditation practice so I can work my way into a daily practice. I feel a lot less silly doing it this time around. I remember when the therapist first started me on meditation I couldn’t get into it. Firstly because I used to associate meditation with the Hindu style practice I did growing up. This is not so good for me mentally because that’s a period of my life I’d rather not remember. Secondly, I found it extremely difficult to focus on my breathing and I’d beat myself up over my perceived failure. It takes a while for you to get yourself to understand that it’s not super important if you stray. Just remember to refocus on your breathing and keep going.

There’s a lot of pain going on in this body today. Hopefully, as I increase my physical activity and lose some weight I can get some relief.

Thoughtstreams

27.4.2021

I tried to do yoga today. I couldn’t finish, I was wobbling like crazy halfway into the session and my muscles were screaming in pain. I can’t believe how bad my body is. My heart rate is so high I can feel my chest throbbing. And I can’t catch my breath.

Seems like I need to add some time on the elliptical to increase my cardiovascular system and hope that the smart coach gives me a yoga routine for babies tomorrow.