The waiting game.

When I had the endoscopy 2 weeks ago I was told that I had no serious issues with my esophagus, stomach and duodenum. There were signs of inflammation that the GI believed was due to my medication intake. Waiting for the biopsy results seems to be giving me a stress induced ulcer.

It odd for me to be this affected by stress but I suppose that not being able to exercise and being off the generic Prozac has a lot to do with that.

My health seems to be getting more and more complicated. My stomach hasn’t reduced in size since the treatment for E. Coli. In fact it seems to be holding steady at around 6 inches of what appears to be permanent bloat.

Some of the diseases being thrown around to explain my complicated health situation include connective tissue disease and a blood related disorder. There’s still the fact that I need to see a therapist to deal with my depression and dissociative episodes since antidepressants and anti psychotics have failed miserably.

Right now I’m feeling more than a little useless and so very lost. I think I’ll buy a kindle so I can escape. I’m probably very close to my limit for dealing with these things gracefully.

I wish I knew which problem to focus on first.

Supreme frustration.

When you’re sick, you find yourself going on a quest to discover the source of your illness. The idea being that if its got a name, its got a cure.

Sadly its just not that simple. If you’re lucky you’ll be diagnosed with a common ailment and from there you can move to some sort of treatment to improve your quality of life. If you’re luckier you’ll only have one condition with no others complicating it.

I have not been that lucky and my bane has been ignorant and arrogant doctors. Its very common for me to see a doctor and have my problems brushed away as overreacting. This is sadly very common with things like fibromyalgia where you can spend years of your life with doctors accusing you of lying while you suffer.

Lately everything has been dislocating. My legs keep popping out of my pelvic joint, my ankle, hell even my wrists are doing it. I’m glad that they aren’t as  painful as my shoulder dislocations but I suspect its a matter of time.

I have mixed feelings about this because I’m trying to see what’s wrong with my digestive system at the moment which is pretty expensive. The distension is my stomach seems to be making my spinal issues worse which means no exercise. So its not surprising that my joints would become unstable.

Yesterday was awful. We went apartment hunting but a few hours in and I was no longer able to keep my body upright without crying. My traction collar is supposed to help with my cervical pain but its not working at the moment.

Hell I’ve given up on a cure. A slight reduction in pain is all I’m asking for at this point because this crap is slowly but surely driving me insane.

I’ve seen better days.

I’ve seen better days.

Some days it seems like my problems are insurmountable. It’s not enough to know what causes the depression because thinking about depression worsens depression. Which is freaking depressing!

I’ve looked into mindfulness as a treatment for depression and so far it seems to be more effective as the antidepressant. I saw that because anti-depressants don’t treat depression so much as blunt it’s effects temporarily. Mindfulness however, helps you deal with the trauma that caused the depressive episode.

Another problem has cropped up. I’m terrified of eating. I’m tired of the experimentation and the cycles of diarrhea and nausea. It’s gotten to the point where I’d rather eat fast food than go though the painful process of cooking only to throw out yet another set of food when it makes me ill.

I’ve had one good month this year. October was it for me. November rolled around and the shoulder that was injured when I got hit by the car last year started acting up. Then December rolled around and now my allergies are acting up. It’s not fun to be sneezing uncontrollably while trying to keep your shoulder from popping out of it’s socket.

I’ve talked about how important exercise and healthy eating is to my health before. My weight is a major factor in the level of pain I experience so this state of affairs is most upsetting. If I can’t cook, not only am I not eating properly but my husband’s nutrition suffers as well. Luckily, I’ve enlisted help on the exercise front. I’ve started seeing a physiotherapist and I am getting some relief which is great. I only hope that it’s worth the price in the long run. As it is, there are now moments in the day that I feel no pain. That’s enough for me to keep up with the therapeutic exercises and ice pack treatment.

I ended up having to go to the dentist for the first time in years last month, we had a bit of suspense while we waited to see if it was a torn ligament or a vertical fracture. Luckily it was a torn ligament. Even luckier is that Kieron noticed my habit of grinding my teeth to cope with pain which explained how it got torn in the first place. A week later I was the owner of a spanking new mouth guard whose surface my teeth have already begun to chew up.

I am optimistic about next year though. I hope I can get over my aversion to eating before January so I won’t be living in terror of Diabetes and hypoglycemia.

CC Image courtesy Wallpaper Rose 

I had a black dog, his name was depression.

I was looking through my favorites and found this video that the WHO released a few years ago. It describes what depression does to me way better than I ever could.

I think you should watch it even if you don’t suffer from depression. It will enlighten you as to why people who are depressed have so much trouble functioning in society. And maybe when you understand what they’re going through, you might be able to get them the help they need.

On being left behind.

Thanks to becoming ill, I ended up developing a fear of being left behind. The reason being my friends abandoned me when it was no longer convenient to be with me.

Sometimes there was no warning just a silence that stretched longer and longer until I figured it out. Other times they told me they couldn’t bear to see me like that so they couldn’t support me anymore. Some of them thought I was faking it. Those people utterly disgusted me. I was ashamed that I had associated myself with them. After all how could you claim to be my friend and know so little about my personality? I figured I was simply receiving punishment for the many masks I wore to interact with people.

It was absurdly upsetting. Especially when the one person I exposed my true self to betrayed me at the worst possible time. Thinking back on it, I’m surprised that I survived that one considering the level of depression I was living with at that time.

There are so many things I want to do but can’t. I love seeing people progress but the jealously is killing me. My hubby is doing really well now and I’m incredibly happy that he’s pursuing his dreams. I offer him advice when needed because I’m good at seeing thing objectively.

But even though I love him so much, I still get jealous and scared. Mostly because I’m no longer the capable woman he fell in love with. I’m still relatively intelligent and interested in a variety of subjects so that part of me is still the same. But as I help him grow so does my insecurity.

I’m beginning to wonder if I should seek counselling or get a new prescription for antidepressants. I think that’s the hardest part about chronic illnesses. That ridiculous depression. I still haven’t found the right prescription to manage my chemical depression so it pretty hard some days. And the constant pains don’t help one bit.